Alright. So I've been here in Michigan for a month now, and tomorrow we leave staff trainig and begin life on the road for the 2011-2012 travel season. I'm so excited, and I can't wait to get into my first host home. Just imagining wha God can do this year, and knowing that he can do more than I've ever imagined is so wonderful.
Since I left Missouri a month ago, God has opened my eyes, and taught me so much. He has taken me on a rough journey the last five years, and I'm not without my scars and issues. But I finally have some perspective. For the first time I have the faintest glimmering of a why. I know I will never see the full extent of what his plan was, or why he did it, but from here I can see his hand in the past.
Times I thought I was all alone, times I didn't want to take another breath because it hurt so much, times I almost gave up... He was there. God was there.
So now I'm a team member of Life Action Ministries. I have no idea how I got here, or why the leadership accepted my application. My motives for applying were not as holy as perhaps they looked. But I'm here.
High school is over, real life starts now. I'm independent, a fighter, I'm strong, I've been to hell and back again. I have the all powerful most high God on my side, at my side, under my wings, guarding my flight.
Bring it on.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Until...?
Everything is coming through the filter of my eyes in shifting light
Everything is twisting before my gaze
Everything has changed.
Where once there was sweet memory blue,
Now there is only white.
A clean but lonely start.
Where once I was known,
Here I'm a stranger.
I could be whoever I wanted, but I don't know who I want to be.
As I once was stretching to leave, to go beyond what I knew,
Now I crave familiar.
Something I can hold and hug.
Isn't isn't that how it always goes, though?
I don't appreciate what I have
Until I don't. Then it hurts.
I have phantom pains like from an amputated limb.
I miss home.
I miss family.
But even if I could go home right at this second
It wouldn't matter because it isn't there.
I'd be just as heartsick and alone.
I wonder how long it will take to be ok?
How long til the past leaves me alone
And I can live again?
What about Him?
I Wonder if we will ever be back
In that weekend?
Whatever we almost had,
Whatever it was I loved the taste
I had.
How many lands I will see this year!
How many hearts I will touch
And be touched by.
How many steps away from myself
And closer to God
Will I take?
How many breaths will I breath,
Heartbeats will pound in my chest,
How many sighs?
Until I reach,
Until I hold,
Until I'm home?
Everything is twisting before my gaze
Everything has changed.
Where once there was sweet memory blue,
Now there is only white.
A clean but lonely start.
Where once I was known,
Here I'm a stranger.
I could be whoever I wanted, but I don't know who I want to be.
As I once was stretching to leave, to go beyond what I knew,
Now I crave familiar.
Something I can hold and hug.
Isn't isn't that how it always goes, though?
I don't appreciate what I have
Until I don't. Then it hurts.
I have phantom pains like from an amputated limb.
I miss home.
I miss family.
But even if I could go home right at this second
It wouldn't matter because it isn't there.
I'd be just as heartsick and alone.
I wonder how long it will take to be ok?
How long til the past leaves me alone
And I can live again?
What about Him?
I Wonder if we will ever be back
In that weekend?
Whatever we almost had,
Whatever it was I loved the taste
I had.
How many lands I will see this year!
How many hearts I will touch
And be touched by.
How many steps away from myself
And closer to God
Will I take?
How many breaths will I breath,
Heartbeats will pound in my chest,
How many sighs?
Until I reach,
Until I hold,
Until I'm home?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
New Normal
Hey all! I've been awol for a while, and haven't had the chance to post. but I'm simi settled now and I hope to be blogging more often as i go along in my travels.
more to come later!
from Michigan
more to come later!
from Michigan
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Clock Is Winning. *ding*
June Sixteenth, Two Thousand and Eleven -
Words I want to say.
That you want to hear.
A whole part of me broken into pieces.
The pieces are sharp like blades in my chest.
If I try to create a word picture for you
to let you see what's there,
to let you inside...
the Blades get angry.
they tear me apart from the inside out.
If you could see the bleeding scars.
If you could see the battle wounds...
You wouldn't hate me for my silence.
June Eighteenth, Two Thousand and Eleven -
I want to grab these flying moments,
like a runaway train,
with both hands.
I want to set my feet in the dirt
and not give a single inch.
Not until I'm ready.
But I'm not!
I'm not ready.
I don't want to say
all of these heart twisting Goodbyes.
Not now.
Not ever.
I'm Not ready.
I want to fight time,
fist to fist,
second for second on the clock,
and win.
I want it to STOP.
Now.
Right Now.
It's all like sand running though my fingers...
I can't close my fingers.
I can't.
Not if my life depended on it.
Not Now.
I'm not ready.
Not Ever.
Words I want to say.
That you want to hear.
A whole part of me broken into pieces.
The pieces are sharp like blades in my chest.
If I try to create a word picture for you
to let you see what's there,
to let you inside...
the Blades get angry.
they tear me apart from the inside out.
If you could see the bleeding scars.
If you could see the battle wounds...
You wouldn't hate me for my silence.
June Eighteenth, Two Thousand and Eleven -
I want to grab these flying moments,
like a runaway train,
with both hands.
I want to set my feet in the dirt
and not give a single inch.
Not until I'm ready.
But I'm not!
I'm not ready.
I don't want to say
all of these heart twisting Goodbyes.
Not now.
Not ever.
I'm Not ready.
I want to fight time,
fist to fist,
second for second on the clock,
and win.
I want it to STOP.
Now.
Right Now.
It's all like sand running though my fingers...
I can't close my fingers.
I can't.
Not if my life depended on it.
Not Now.
I'm not ready.
Not Ever.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
That Moment
You know that moment? That Moment? I've had many, really.
In That Moment, you know that everything is changing inside of you. some for good, sometimes bad. but it's a choice you've made, or a decision someone made for you that will change your life forever.
That Moment. I stood silently. Cascading drops of silent heartbreak, shaking, trembling hands and legs keeping me anchored to the ground I didn't want to be on. the cursed, cold, half frozen ground. Half frozen, but almost alive with the grief that swirled in my stomach and almost pulled me under. scentless flowers, and ribbons decorating death's cold metal surface. beautiful and ugly and haunting. unforgettable. I can't remember if anyone was touching me or not. my skin was as numb as my soul. I remember the spike of my high heels sinking into the ground, and hoping the rest of me would follow. into the ground so I didn't have to see this anymore. That moment, I stopped. I turned around, and took a last glimpse of what I'll never see again lowered into the earth. That moment a part of me stopped beating to get out, and lay cold inside.
That Moment. The poison I thought would soothe my wounds was so close to my lips. His eyes begging me for a taste, hands securely in my own. Just a taste, Right? I thought. Every promise I'd ever made ran trough the window of my mind. Every word I'd read, heard, or spoken drifted in the air between us. He was waiting for me. He knew that if he made the first move, and it ended badly I could blame him for it. he was smarter then that. My toes barely touched the ground, my head was far above, and my heart was sinking far beneath. I counted to ten, but only half a second had past. "So?" he asked, lips brushing my forehead. I looked deeply into the dark shadows of his eyes, and saw the desire. He wanted me. wait... what? he wanted me? no one wanted me. Alright. I lifted my face and smiled. That moment, I handed him my kiss without another word. and then, it was gone. I couldn't take it back. It was his. The poison tasted better then I had imagined. But it didn't soothe a thing. salt in a wound, more like.
and those are just two. what are your moments? email me! I'd love to hear. :) curliefries@gmail.com
~ <3 Anna <3 ~
In That Moment, you know that everything is changing inside of you. some for good, sometimes bad. but it's a choice you've made, or a decision someone made for you that will change your life forever.
That Moment. I stood silently. Cascading drops of silent heartbreak, shaking, trembling hands and legs keeping me anchored to the ground I didn't want to be on. the cursed, cold, half frozen ground. Half frozen, but almost alive with the grief that swirled in my stomach and almost pulled me under. scentless flowers, and ribbons decorating death's cold metal surface. beautiful and ugly and haunting. unforgettable. I can't remember if anyone was touching me or not. my skin was as numb as my soul. I remember the spike of my high heels sinking into the ground, and hoping the rest of me would follow. into the ground so I didn't have to see this anymore. That moment, I stopped. I turned around, and took a last glimpse of what I'll never see again lowered into the earth. That moment a part of me stopped beating to get out, and lay cold inside.
That Moment. The poison I thought would soothe my wounds was so close to my lips. His eyes begging me for a taste, hands securely in my own. Just a taste, Right? I thought. Every promise I'd ever made ran trough the window of my mind. Every word I'd read, heard, or spoken drifted in the air between us. He was waiting for me. He knew that if he made the first move, and it ended badly I could blame him for it. he was smarter then that. My toes barely touched the ground, my head was far above, and my heart was sinking far beneath. I counted to ten, but only half a second had past. "So?" he asked, lips brushing my forehead. I looked deeply into the dark shadows of his eyes, and saw the desire. He wanted me. wait... what? he wanted me? no one wanted me. Alright. I lifted my face and smiled. That moment, I handed him my kiss without another word. and then, it was gone. I couldn't take it back. It was his. The poison tasted better then I had imagined. But it didn't soothe a thing. salt in a wound, more like.
and those are just two. what are your moments? email me! I'd love to hear. :) curliefries@gmail.com
~ <3 Anna <3 ~
Monday, April 18, 2011
Run Dry
It seems as if the river of words
That once flooded my soul
With their ever flowing
Torrent,
Swift and powerful,
Has suddenly hit an all new low.
Maybe my words are somewhere far
Waiting and wishing for my to find them?
Maybe they ran because I was
Unfit,
Not the right shape,
For their kindred minds.
Sparkling, they lay in the bounded walls
Of my heart and mind
Gems of mist,
Meaningless,
But pretty and soft.
Drops in a wishing well.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Poems
2/10/11
I close my eyes and see it now...
Lights.
Music.
Cheering people...
Me,
and God by my side,
on a stage a million years high.
my hands tremble just a little
in time with my racing heart.
I open my lips
and send words breaking, crashing, sinking....
into hearts.
words that that heal, words that draw tears
and hope.
Light shines on me
and so does her smile.
Because it's all for her, really.
all to make her proud.
the blood of roses stain my bare feet
as I stand on this dedicated ground
and say a prayer if thanks.
this.
this is where I want to be.
2/24/11
Kiss the wind goodbye, Baby.
I'm the wind.
I'm flying from your arms
to taste the rest of the world
and you can't hold on to me.
I'm flying from your love, Darling,
not because it's bad
but because the wind
doesn't need a place to rest her head.
I'm flying to the city
to sing my song in the street
to touch the ocean's waters
with my ever wandering feet.
If you're missing me, Lover,
tip your face to the sky.
I'll brush my lips on yours
as my final again goodbye.
2/10/11
Smile...
smile at me?
Please,
the sun hasn't shone in days.
stars cover the gaps
in the black silence.
your face is the sun,
and my night cries moonlit tears
when you are gone.
You are the gravity that keeps me here.
my lifeline in the nothing I'm falling through.
you keep me grounded,
but help me fly.
you make me feel safe
but we're freefalling the whole time.
Smile?
I close my eyes and see it now...
Lights.
Music.
Cheering people...
Me,
and God by my side,
on a stage a million years high.
my hands tremble just a little
in time with my racing heart.
I open my lips
and send words breaking, crashing, sinking....
into hearts.
words that that heal, words that draw tears
and hope.
Light shines on me
and so does her smile.
Because it's all for her, really.
all to make her proud.
the blood of roses stain my bare feet
as I stand on this dedicated ground
and say a prayer if thanks.
this.
this is where I want to be.
2/24/11
Kiss the wind goodbye, Baby.
I'm the wind.
I'm flying from your arms
to taste the rest of the world
and you can't hold on to me.
I'm flying from your love, Darling,
not because it's bad
but because the wind
doesn't need a place to rest her head.
I'm flying to the city
to sing my song in the street
to touch the ocean's waters
with my ever wandering feet.
If you're missing me, Lover,
tip your face to the sky.
I'll brush my lips on yours
as my final again goodbye.
2/10/11
Smile...
smile at me?
Please,
the sun hasn't shone in days.
stars cover the gaps
in the black silence.
your face is the sun,
and my night cries moonlit tears
when you are gone.
You are the gravity that keeps me here.
my lifeline in the nothing I'm falling through.
you keep me grounded,
but help me fly.
you make me feel safe
but we're freefalling the whole time.
Smile?
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