Until...?

Everything is coming through the filter of my eyes in shifting light
Everything is twisting before my gaze
Everything has changed.

Where once there was sweet memory blue,
Now there is only white.
A clean but lonely start.

Where once I was known,
Here I'm a stranger.
I could be whoever I wanted, but I don't know who I want to be.

As I once was stretching to leave, to go beyond what I knew,
Now I crave familiar.
Something I can hold and hug.

Isn't isn't that how it always goes, though?
I don't appreciate what I have
Until I don't. Then it hurts.

I have phantom pains like from an amputated limb.
I miss home.
I miss family.

But even if I could go home right at this second
It wouldn't matter because it isn't there.
I'd be just as heartsick and alone.

I wonder how long it will take to be ok?
How long til the past leaves me alone
And I can live again?

What about Him?
I Wonder if we will ever be back
In that weekend?

Whatever we almost had,
Whatever it was I loved the taste
I had.

How many lands I will see this year!
How many hearts I will touch
And be touched by.

How many steps away from myself
And closer to God
Will I take?

How many breaths will I breath,
Heartbeats will pound in my chest,
How many sighs?

Until I reach,
Until I hold,
Until I'm home?