Soul Wine (Alive)

"Maybe drinnking wine would validate my sorrows/  Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle..."

 I've been listening to City and Color alot these last weeks...something about the harmonica's breath and the haunting guitar's moan. it suits me.
  the song I've thinking of, of course refers to actual alcohol, which isn't the case here. there's just something about those lines that sounds deep inside me like a tonal lock. it opens a door in me that hasn't cracked ajar as far as I know.

__________________

 1-24-12

28
29
30...
one last gulp of water, one of air...
the room seems to be spinning,
tiny sparks of light freeing themselves from the walls and ceiling.
to light the incoming darkness.
from the ground under me
comes a low creak as
every
single
muscle
relaxes.
the pain in my chest
gives a squeeze
and then stops...
am I dead?
is this the peace I've longed for??
Slipping...
Unraveling myself from the stitches of realities...
from the woven pattern of myself.
threads of color swimming
intertwined in my half conscious.
No voices speak.
for once I'm alone in the silence.
Maybe it's worse then the hated cries,
the ever playing song.
I see faces, ones I haven't seen in this life for years...
his little boy smile with his hand in mine..
her rough, worn hand caressing my cheek... "precious girl..."
and Mama.
Her sad smile.
she's hurting for me.
She understands.
Right?
she knows I couldn't do it.
She had to have known I would break under suffocating darkness.
She's so real.
I want to reach out and touch her,
but I was afraid to break the spell.
"NO."
a strong whisper...  a breath entering my lungs so sweet,
I can't help but take breath after breath
trying to catch that precious oxygen once more.
one more mouthful
one more lungful.
I thought I'd finally touched heaven.
Heaven where my heart was.
I don't know if my eyes are open or closed.
I see dancing lights on the ceiling
or the back of my conscious.
rumbling.
silence.
light.
dark.
back and forth...
Nothing.
am I dead yet?
I don't even know.
Cold.
the first feeling I've had since the last.
I can't yet open my eyes...
but the hard floor under me has stopped moving.
real and stationary.
Aware and confused.
heaven is cold?
I had always dreamed of it being soft, warm and sunshiney.
the only possibility left to consider.
I wasn't in Heaven.
Had I been sent to my own personal hell?
one where I was always cold and alone?
no, there was fire and pain in hell.
and I was freezing and numb.
 this
 must
 mean
 that I'm still
alive.
realization of reality smashed through the peace
I had found.
my eyes fly open.
I'm in my room.
on the floor.
Alive.

_________________________

weeks later when I could finally admit to myself that God wanted me alive, I realized that She saved me. Mama's sweet smile, her familiar scent and the longing so deep within me. I don't know if I really died or not. but I know I saw her. I know I spoke to her. and I know she wants me here too. for now.