My Heart/ it beats /beats for only you/ my heart is yours.
well for starters, I HEART Paramore and sometimes I just can't get past this song. I listen to it every once in a while.. on repeat.
1/31/12
My heart is stuck
a few years back in the future
waiting for the healing
I needed back then.
for the touch of a life
on mine
for the feel of someone near.
my heart is full of
dreams...
crazy
maybe
but mine.
spun like cotton sugar
on the rafters of who i am.
cobwebs so delicate
that can last in secret for so long.
when the rain comes
and the sun shines
they sparkle and bloom,
art in the trees.
a song from the sky's wings.
My heart
is happy
hopeful
dreaming
fragile
broken
reckless and careful
willing
and walled.
waiting
wanting
beating
screaming
caring
loving...
My heart.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Piece of a missing puzzle
1/28/12
Head held high
I walk into a room
so much like all the rest.
I can feel the warm buzz of conversation
and the sparkle of eyes meeting.
Although the space is large
and the people many.
I can't seem to find a place.
Everything is filled.
the engaging light
has managed to saturate
only the dark space around me.
I'm there,
but it doesn't feel like it.
I'm not invisible, I just don't fit.
I'm puzzle piece number
501
in a
500
piece puzzle.
I don't understand what makes this difference.
but it's real
and this isn't the first time I've known.
Every time I'm on that stage...
on any stage.
I am fighting to belong.
fighting for respect
forget affection or camaraderie.
I just wish...
I fit.
Maybe I just haven't found my puzzle...
Maybe I'm a complete picture
all
by
my
lonesome
self.
vibrant
in a world of Grey.
Black in a
Golden one.
I don't mean to be a bother...
but have you seen my world?
No?
well... thank you all the same.
______________________________
and here's a free bonus! lol. something I wrote down a while back and just decided to throw in.
1/3/12 (twenty words)
trembling
from the
words
getting caught
inside...
wonder
at what a few
seconds
and twenty words on a
digital screen
could
damage.
My heart.
My trust.
You just thought it was
free,
didn't you?
well, you were wrong.
My trust is fragile
and rare.
did you hear the drop
all the way across the miles
when it hit the floor
and shattered?
you can pick it up
out of the trash..
it's there on top of the memories
and your letter.
try to give it back...
but I won't take it.
or you.
cause when it breaks...
it breaks for good.
Head held high
I walk into a room
so much like all the rest.
I can feel the warm buzz of conversation
and the sparkle of eyes meeting.
Although the space is large
and the people many.
I can't seem to find a place.
Everything is filled.
the engaging light
has managed to saturate
only the dark space around me.
I'm there,
but it doesn't feel like it.
I'm not invisible, I just don't fit.
I'm puzzle piece number
501
in a
500
piece puzzle.
I don't understand what makes this difference.
but it's real
and this isn't the first time I've known.
Every time I'm on that stage...
on any stage.
I am fighting to belong.
fighting for respect
forget affection or camaraderie.
I just wish...
I fit.
Maybe I just haven't found my puzzle...
Maybe I'm a complete picture
all
by
my
lonesome
self.
vibrant
in a world of Grey.
Black in a
Golden one.
I don't mean to be a bother...
but have you seen my world?
No?
well... thank you all the same.
______________________________
and here's a free bonus! lol. something I wrote down a while back and just decided to throw in.
1/3/12 (twenty words)
trembling
from the
words
getting caught
inside...
wonder
at what a few
seconds
and twenty words on a
digital screen
could
damage.
My heart.
My trust.
You just thought it was
free,
didn't you?
well, you were wrong.
My trust is fragile
and rare.
did you hear the drop
all the way across the miles
when it hit the floor
and shattered?
you can pick it up
out of the trash..
it's there on top of the memories
and your letter.
try to give it back...
but I won't take it.
or you.
cause when it breaks...
it breaks for good.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Soul Wine (Alive)
"Maybe drinnking wine would validate my sorrows/ Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle..."
I've been listening to City and Color alot these last weeks...something about the harmonica's breath and the haunting guitar's moan. it suits me.
the song I've thinking of, of course refers to actual alcohol, which isn't the case here. there's just something about those lines that sounds deep inside me like a tonal lock. it opens a door in me that hasn't cracked ajar as far as I know.
__________________
1-24-12
28
29
30...
one last gulp of water, one of air...
the room seems to be spinning,
tiny sparks of light freeing themselves from the walls and ceiling.
to light the incoming darkness.
from the ground under me
comes a low creak as
every
single
muscle
relaxes.
the pain in my chest
gives a squeeze
and then stops...
am I dead?
is this the peace I've longed for??
Slipping...
Unraveling myself from the stitches of realities...
from the woven pattern of myself.
threads of color swimming
intertwined in my half conscious.
No voices speak.
for once I'm alone in the silence.
Maybe it's worse then the hated cries,
the ever playing song.
I see faces, ones I haven't seen in this life for years...
his little boy smile with his hand in mine..
her rough, worn hand caressing my cheek... "precious girl..."
and Mama.
Her sad smile.
she's hurting for me.
She understands.
Right?
she knows I couldn't do it.
She had to have known I would break under suffocating darkness.
She's so real.
I want to reach out and touch her,
but I was afraid to break the spell.
"NO."
a strong whisper... a breath entering my lungs so sweet,
I can't help but take breath after breath
trying to catch that precious oxygen once more.
one more mouthful
one more lungful.
I thought I'd finally touched heaven.
Heaven where my heart was.
I don't know if my eyes are open or closed.
I see dancing lights on the ceiling
or the back of my conscious.
rumbling.
silence.
light.
dark.
back and forth...
Nothing.
am I dead yet?
I don't even know.
Cold.
the first feeling I've had since the last.
I can't yet open my eyes...
but the hard floor under me has stopped moving.
real and stationary.
Aware and confused.
heaven is cold?
I had always dreamed of it being soft, warm and sunshiney.
the only possibility left to consider.
I wasn't in Heaven.
Had I been sent to my own personal hell?
one where I was always cold and alone?
no, there was fire and pain in hell.
and I was freezing and numb.
this
must
mean
that I'm still
alive.
realization of reality smashed through the peace
I had found.
my eyes fly open.
I'm in my room.
on the floor.
Alive.
_________________________
weeks later when I could finally admit to myself that God wanted me alive, I realized that She saved me. Mama's sweet smile, her familiar scent and the longing so deep within me. I don't know if I really died or not. but I know I saw her. I know I spoke to her. and I know she wants me here too. for now.
I've been listening to City and Color alot these last weeks...something about the harmonica's breath and the haunting guitar's moan. it suits me.
the song I've thinking of, of course refers to actual alcohol, which isn't the case here. there's just something about those lines that sounds deep inside me like a tonal lock. it opens a door in me that hasn't cracked ajar as far as I know.
__________________
1-24-12
28
29
30...
one last gulp of water, one of air...
the room seems to be spinning,
tiny sparks of light freeing themselves from the walls and ceiling.
to light the incoming darkness.
from the ground under me
comes a low creak as
every
single
muscle
relaxes.
the pain in my chest
gives a squeeze
and then stops...
am I dead?
is this the peace I've longed for??
Slipping...
Unraveling myself from the stitches of realities...
from the woven pattern of myself.
threads of color swimming
intertwined in my half conscious.
No voices speak.
for once I'm alone in the silence.
Maybe it's worse then the hated cries,
the ever playing song.
I see faces, ones I haven't seen in this life for years...
his little boy smile with his hand in mine..
her rough, worn hand caressing my cheek... "precious girl..."
and Mama.
Her sad smile.
she's hurting for me.
She understands.
Right?
she knows I couldn't do it.
She had to have known I would break under suffocating darkness.
She's so real.
I want to reach out and touch her,
but I was afraid to break the spell.
"NO."
a strong whisper... a breath entering my lungs so sweet,
I can't help but take breath after breath
trying to catch that precious oxygen once more.
one more mouthful
one more lungful.
I thought I'd finally touched heaven.
Heaven where my heart was.
I don't know if my eyes are open or closed.
I see dancing lights on the ceiling
or the back of my conscious.
rumbling.
silence.
light.
dark.
back and forth...
Nothing.
am I dead yet?
I don't even know.
Cold.
the first feeling I've had since the last.
I can't yet open my eyes...
but the hard floor under me has stopped moving.
real and stationary.
Aware and confused.
heaven is cold?
I had always dreamed of it being soft, warm and sunshiney.
the only possibility left to consider.
I wasn't in Heaven.
Had I been sent to my own personal hell?
one where I was always cold and alone?
no, there was fire and pain in hell.
and I was freezing and numb.
this
must
mean
that I'm still
alive.
realization of reality smashed through the peace
I had found.
my eyes fly open.
I'm in my room.
on the floor.
Alive.
_________________________
weeks later when I could finally admit to myself that God wanted me alive, I realized that She saved me. Mama's sweet smile, her familiar scent and the longing so deep within me. I don't know if I really died or not. but I know I saw her. I know I spoke to her. and I know she wants me here too. for now.
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