My Light

November 16, 2011

A life.
new young, shinning..
standing tall over all the world.
sheltered and safe,
in the arms of love.
Sudden storms
send it crashing down.
gone.
ground zero.
Nothing
but twisted metal and broken glass...
and
silence.
...
...
...
peeking over the
eastern horizon
a tiny glow
seen
finding it's way up
over the mountains and clouds.
finding it's age old circle.
Casting fractured beams.
Curled up
in the rubble,
soaked in dispair,
dirty from mistakes made.
scarred,
scared
wounded.
As broken
as my surroundings.
the light like
gentle hands
lifts my eyes to the heaven focused.
lifts my head
lifts my heart above the wreckage.
The softest whisper of a whisper,
hope
stirring in the night.
I stand
Brush the hurt off my hands,
look down at my shattered
self.
my scars still bleed,
my heart still tightens
at memory's echo.
I look up.
the light
high in the sky now,
but coming lower...
...
...
...
until it falls into my eyes
down
settling in my heart.
I fall, curl back up on the ground.
Afraid.
I notice
the everyday ache
fade.
drop by drop.
a Voice,
sudden, white and clear.
Unmistakable.
             "yes?"
"feed my sheep."
             "father?"
"do you love me?"
             "I love you, Father."
"feed my sheep."
I followed the voice
to a place of utter brokenness.
"sing"
 i stretch out my hands, and open myself away.
Light surrounds me,
propelled from inside.
blinded by my tears.
                      "how?"
"open your eyes."
they open slow,
cleared of the salty mask.
The light on my arms and hands and face
wasn't only from inside me.
it shone brightly above
on the broken neediness
surrounding me.
sharp glass marring the face of the soil,
catching the light and throwing it up.
back up heavenward where it came.
directed,
deflected,
reflected,
ignited.
shards of pain,
glowing beautifully.
my scars shinning like pearl
in his light.
                   "i love you."
My healer.
My reason.
My way.
My why.

My Light.

Update

On a more Prosaic (is that a word? nope, it is now) note,here is a brief update on me, where I've been, what I've been up to, and how God is working on me and in my life.

We Left Staff Training the second week of Staff training, and began our travel year in Barrian Springs, MI. It was a wonderful experience, and a good way to start my travel year.

second church was Mayfair Bible Church in Flushing, MI. near Flint, MI. boasting one of the highest crime rates in the US. Not to worry, though! we were safe, and it was awesome to see God work in the church there. by the last night there i was starting to get comfortable with the music, and the style of our band. being able to worship with my new friends was so cool.

Third was Wabash, IN. that one felt really long, but I got to see God use me, and that felt really good. I learned some lessons about being sensitive to the spirit, and obeying his leading and the blessing that follows.

Fourth was Poplar Bluff, MO. My family came to see me, as well as my friend Megan, and My Canadian. It was wonderful to see them all, and see a few familiar faces. I hadn't realized how much I miss hugging!!!

Fifth Church, and the one we just left yesterday was in Marion, IL. it was our first 8 day summit, so we had alot of new music, a few more solos that I did, and more challenges that really grew me. I learned alot about myself there.

now we are temporarily in Olive Branch, Mississippi until we are due at our next Thirst Conference later this week in Slidell, Louisiana.

Free

open the Wind,
clear the Sky,
start the countdown:
one...
two...
three...
GO.
going
gone!
she's up.
she's off.
finally flying free.
tasting the Tangy
Gold
of the
Sun.
Savoring the Sweet
Silver
of the
Moon.
kissing dreams,
and surrendering them
one
by
one
until she's finally
light
enough
to break away.
no longer earth-bound.
the beat of her heart
driving
the melody.
floating around,
ahead and behind her,
clinging like fairy dust
to her eyelashes
and hair,
stars in her eyes,
peace in her heart.
no strings.
independent.
Finally
Free.

All things for good...

Making a journey
Home
only to say goodbye
to everyone,
everything,
for good.
no really, for good.
saying goodbye to
my room full of a girl's dreams.
my safe place.
goodbye to her photo
on the walls,
guarding her precious ones.
her breath still hanging in the air.
the home she bestowed with love,
laughter,
life.
empty now
with only the ghosts of the children

we used to be
for company.

Bring it on

Alright. So I've been here in Michigan for a month now, and tomorrow we leave staff trainig and begin life on the road for the 2011-2012 travel season. I'm so excited, and I can't wait to get into my first host home. Just imagining wha God can do this year, and knowing that he can do more than I've ever imagined is so wonderful.

Since I left Missouri a month ago, God has opened my eyes, and taught me so much. He has taken me on a rough journey the last five years, and I'm not without my scars and issues. But I finally have some perspective. For the first time I have the faintest glimmering of a why. I know I will never see the full extent of what his plan was, or why he did it, but from here I can see his hand in the past.

Times I thought I was all alone, times I didn't want to take another breath because it hurt so much, times I almost gave up... He was there. God was there.

So now I'm a team member of Life Action Ministries. I have no idea how I got here, or why the leadership accepted my application. My motives for applying were not as holy as perhaps they looked. But I'm here.

High school is over, real life starts now. I'm independent, a fighter, I'm strong, I've been to hell and back again. I have the all powerful most high God on my side, at my side, under my wings, guarding my flight.

Bring it on.

Until...?

Everything is coming through the filter of my eyes in shifting light
Everything is twisting before my gaze
Everything has changed.

Where once there was sweet memory blue,
Now there is only white.
A clean but lonely start.

Where once I was known,
Here I'm a stranger.
I could be whoever I wanted, but I don't know who I want to be.

As I once was stretching to leave, to go beyond what I knew,
Now I crave familiar.
Something I can hold and hug.

Isn't isn't that how it always goes, though?
I don't appreciate what I have
Until I don't. Then it hurts.

I have phantom pains like from an amputated limb.
I miss home.
I miss family.

But even if I could go home right at this second
It wouldn't matter because it isn't there.
I'd be just as heartsick and alone.

I wonder how long it will take to be ok?
How long til the past leaves me alone
And I can live again?

What about Him?
I Wonder if we will ever be back
In that weekend?

Whatever we almost had,
Whatever it was I loved the taste
I had.

How many lands I will see this year!
How many hearts I will touch
And be touched by.

How many steps away from myself
And closer to God
Will I take?

How many breaths will I breath,
Heartbeats will pound in my chest,
How many sighs?

Until I reach,
Until I hold,
Until I'm home?

New Normal

Hey all! I've been awol for a while, and haven't had the chance to post. but I'm simi settled now and I hope to be blogging more often as i go along in my travels.
 more to come later!

from Michigan

The Clock Is Winning. *ding*

June Sixteenth, Two Thousand and Eleven -

Words I want to say.
That you want to hear.
A whole part of me broken into pieces.
The pieces are sharp like blades in my chest.
If I try to create a word picture for you
to let you see what's there,
to let you inside...
the Blades get angry.
they tear me apart from the inside out.
If you could see the bleeding scars.
If you could see the battle wounds...
You wouldn't hate me for my silence.

June Eighteenth, Two Thousand and Eleven -


I want to grab these flying moments,
like a runaway train,
with both hands.

I want to set my feet in the dirt 
and not give a single inch.

Not until I'm ready.
But I'm not!
I'm not ready.

I don't want to say
all of these heart twisting Goodbyes.

Not now.
Not ever.
I'm Not ready.

I want to fight time,
fist to fist,
second for second on the clock,
and win.

I want it to STOP.
Now.
Right Now.

It's all like sand running though my fingers...
I can't close my fingers.

I can't.
Not if my life depended on it.
Not Now.
I'm not ready.
Not Ever.

That Moment

You know that moment? That Moment? I've had many, really.

In That Moment, you know that everything is changing inside of you. some for good, sometimes bad. but it's a choice you've made, or a decision someone made for you that will change your life forever.

That Moment. I stood silently. Cascading drops of silent heartbreak, shaking, trembling hands and legs keeping me anchored to the ground I didn't want to be on. the cursed, cold, half frozen ground. Half frozen, but almost alive with the grief that swirled in my stomach and almost pulled me under. scentless flowers, and ribbons decorating death's cold metal surface. beautiful and ugly and haunting. unforgettable. I can't remember if anyone was touching me or not. my skin was as numb as my soul. I remember the spike of my high heels sinking into the ground, and hoping the rest of me would follow. into the ground so I didn't have to see this anymore. That moment, I stopped. I turned around, and took a last glimpse of what I'll never see again lowered into the earth. That moment a part of me stopped beating to get out, and lay cold inside.


That Moment. The poison I thought would soothe my wounds was so close to my lips. His eyes begging me for a taste, hands securely in my own. Just a taste, Right? I thought. Every promise I'd ever made ran trough the window of my mind. Every word I'd read, heard, or spoken drifted in the air between us. He was waiting for me. He knew that if he made the first move, and it ended badly I could blame him for it. he was smarter then that. My toes barely touched the ground, my head was far above, and my heart was sinking far beneath. I counted to ten, but only half a second had past. "So?" he asked, lips brushing my forehead. I looked deeply into the dark shadows of his eyes, and saw the desire. He wanted me. wait... what? he wanted me? no one wanted me. Alright. I lifted my face and smiled. That moment, I handed him my kiss without another word. and then, it was gone. I couldn't take it back. It was his. The poison tasted better then I had imagined. But it didn't soothe a thing. salt in a wound, more like.

and those are just two. what are your moments? email me! I'd love to hear. :) curliefries@gmail.com

~ <3 Anna <3 ~

Run Dry

It seems as if the river of words

That once flooded my soul

With their ever flowing

Torrent,

Swift and powerful,

Has suddenly hit an all new low.

Maybe my words are somewhere far

Waiting and wishing for my to find them?

Maybe they ran because I was

Unfit,

Not the right shape,

For their kindred minds.

Sparkling, they lay in the bounded walls

Of my heart and mind

Gems of mist,

Meaningless,

But pretty and soft.

Drops in a wishing well.

Poems

2/10/11
I close my eyes and see it now...
Lights.
Music.
Cheering people...
Me,
and God by my side,
on a stage a million years high.
my hands tremble just a little
in time with my racing heart.
I open my lips
and send words breaking, crashing, sinking....
into hearts.
words that that heal, words that draw tears
and hope.
Light shines on me
and so does her smile.
Because it's all for her, really.
all to make her proud.
the blood of roses stain my bare feet
as I stand on this dedicated ground
and say a prayer if thanks.
this.
 this is where I want to be.


2/24/11
Kiss the wind goodbye, Baby.
I'm the wind.
I'm flying from your arms
to taste the rest of the world
and you can't hold on to me.
I'm flying from your love, Darling,
not because it's bad
but because the wind
doesn't need a place to rest her head.
I'm flying to the city
to sing my song in the street
to touch the ocean's waters
with my ever wandering feet.
If you're missing me, Lover,
tip your face to the sky.
I'll brush my lips on yours
as my final again goodbye.

2/10/11
Smile...
smile at me?
Please,
the sun hasn't shone in days.
stars cover the gaps
in the black silence.
your face is the sun,
and my night cries moonlit tears
when you are gone.
You are the gravity that keeps me here.
my lifeline in the nothing I'm falling through.
you keep me grounded,
but help me fly.
you make me feel safe
but we're freefalling the whole time.
Smile?

I'm a snowflake

 1-19-11
~I am a Snowflake.
Yes! I am.
Up, somewhere in the sky, I was created.
Tiny, Intricate, different from everyone else.
I'm Here!
Arms stretched above my head
Catching the air. 
Laughing,
Singing as I start my downward fall.
Swirling,
Smiling,
Happy and free.
I'm flying!
Dancing across the black night.
I have no idea where I'm going
But God does.
I'm a snowflake.~

Legands

I found a few old photos on my computer that once, about three years ago, inspired me to attempt writing a novel. Needless to say it never got finished, and wasn't very good. But, finding this picture reminded me of my fascination with Cemeteries. SO weird. I know. I haven't ever been able to explain it, but something about all the silent history there just inspires me. 

It's not necessarily a fascination with death, don't get me wrong. Death and I have a truce: I don't think about it too hard, and God will get me to the end and I don't have to worry about it. lol. I met death at an early age, but that's another story.

It's the history that I love.

 Across the road from my house is an old cemetery. Not many people are buried there anymore, it's pretty old. the oldest grave I've found is from the late 1800's.  On the other side of my house, across the highway and at the top of a hill in a field, is another one from the civil war. !! major history. Wives, Children, and soldiers that all died in the early to mid 1800's. I often wonder about their lives and loves, victories and heartbreaks. I wish I had some way of knowing. What words of wisdom would they have imparted to me?

Last Summer I went there a few evenings a week and watched the sun set from a perch I found in an ancient three guarding the graves. I wrote this poem on a night like that.

 5-9-10

Here in peaceful serenity
I rest
Feeling the sun slip over goodbye
Behind me
Memories and age old trees
Watching over
Like guardians of time
The ground around me bare
My mind wandering here and there
As i sit on hallowed ground
Old glory beams
From our tri colored emblem
Whippoorwills call and doves coo
Above the ground
Where liberty's cost sleeps
Forever
Vitality has no place
Reality has no space
In this

A graveyard of the past.

 With Greater Love,

~*Anna*~

HE would die for me.

"Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my head on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same
No, no, no, no"  - Bruno Mars, "Grenade"

This may seem a little strange, but I was listening to this song on the radio last night, and it hit me: I think this is how God feels about me sometimes. I understand that it was written about a woman, and the rest of the verses have lyrics to indicate thus, but just look at this Chorus.

Jesus DID die for me. But given the chance, would I do the same?

It makes me think.

With Greater Love,
 ~*Anna*~

Six Gifts

  Six gifts. Six gifts given to every baby girl when she breaths her first breath of earth air. Passion, Innocence, Love, Strength, Trust, and Faith. Every breath she takes from that moment on is Life's attempt to tear those gifts out of her fingers.

   Her Passion is what makes people take a second look. it's that flip of her hair, the look in her eye. It's the spring in her step as she runs after what she wants. It's the kiss that makes boys head spin. It's what keeps her chin up when nothing goes the way she planned.

 Innocence serves her well until an illusion makes her give some away. It's the smile in her eye when someone special walks by. It's the way she holds on to fancy and fiction. the way she still believe in Peter Pan and pixy dust.


   Love. Maybe the gift that lasts after time, age, and disappointment have given her life a jaded tone. Love remains. Her love for God. Her love for others. A special reserve for her special someday-someone.

   Strength makes her stand when she wants to fall. Strength is what allows the tears to be shed, but not to break her. Strength is her anger when the weak are wronged. When she see's people she loves throw away potential.
 
Trust is the most temporary of all the gifts. It's delicate, made of thin tissue paper. easily given and received at first, but after time wears away the shine, it becomes carefully guarded. and only shown to others on the rarest of occasions.  to be trusted with a piece of this gift is the most treasured of all.

Faith. what holds it all together when there is no logic or reasoning to fall back on. It's what keeps her steps even, and safe when rocks, roots, and temptation lay in her path. It's the star in the sky she looks to every night. it's the words she whispers to herself when her heart is bleeding a little. It's the Life inside her that makes everything else slightly less significant. it's the Safe place to run.

 This girl, given six gifts, must use what she has been given to live a life that would make her Father proud. when she sees Him for the first time, He'll ask her what she did with them. and she'll give Him her story.

What are you doing with your six gifts?

With Greater Love,
 ~*Anna*~

Kisses, Moon, and Stars

A few poems I've written over the last few months. :)

11-28-10
 ~The moon to me demonstrates a concept of faithful awareness.
 sometimes during the day, even when everything is ok,
I look up and there she is
a shadow
pale and distant
but here.
The sun is shining, and everything is alright.
but she just lets me know she's watching.
she hasn't left.
then, at night, when shadows become enemies
and trees whisper angry secrets above my head
She's there. Bright. Brilliant. shinning away the gloom.
pointing my view heavenward. ~


1-3-11
~Walking this small town's empty streets
Wishing the piano would stop playing at me
Hearing the notes blend into tune
The goodbye song i wrote for you

Whispers circle in my mind
Fearful thoughts get out of line
Carefully constructed boundaries
Break as teardrops turn into memories

Dreamers dream a thousand lies
But I've been there too many times
Empty silence i never meant to allow
Silent graves of love gone now

Raindrops and tears like kisses on my lips
Love hate and years have created tiny rips
In the delicate fabric of my soul
I wanted so badly not to tell him no.

Dancing lightly on his feet
Deception comes to rescue me
Lies I won't believe this time
A hope and future HE made mine. ~


1-5-11
~Where are the stars when I need them?
Even they have abandoned my skies
I can't find my way without them!
I don't care what anyone says,
I believe She's watching me from one of them.
I look at the sky every night.
When it's black, I can't help but cry.
I need my stars.
But when they are there,
Millions,
I lay in bed and watch carefully.
If i someday find the right one,
She'll smile.
I miss that smile.
Maybe, while our eyes are locked
for just a few moments,
my heart will be whole.
just for the moment.
I'd have her back.
I'd find her every night.
And talk like she was really here.
Is is a little pathetic to find comfort in such fancy?
Probably.
But I need my stars.~

Introducing me

Well, hello, blog reader, you.
    <3 Welcome to my blog. <3
 I'm going to like this whole sharing thoughts thing. I ask you not to judge me!
 I write some poetry, though it doesn't always rhyme. I sing songs that no one else knows. I spend hours laying in bed watching stars while I should be sleeping. I'm not normal. And here, if only here, I'm not going to try (or pretend) to be.

 With Greater Love,
  ~*~ Anna ~*~