Wrecking Ball

This was actually an email to my best friend a few nights ago, sent at 3 am when I couldn't sleep. I don't know how much it means, but it's a nice story. A little peek into me.


February 3, 2012

I think Everything is haunting me tonight. all twisted together into this ball of rejection and loss and pain that still hangs over my head. threatening to fall any second and crush me.

I was serious when I asked when my life got so screwed up. what was my first mistake that started this snowball of mistakes and screw ups. This night six years ago I was awake too... only I had sneaked into my parents room so I could see the brand new baby sister that they had brought home that evening one more time. just to make sure she was as beautiful and real as she had been before.

That girl, back then, never thought she'd be here... with a list like mine of regrets. Of hurts and people that she had hurt and had to go back to and rehash the past with... She wouldn't think about a kiss and not even remember which guy it was with. She would never have had to tell the doctor taking care of her that no, she hadn't had surgery, the scars on her stomach were self inflicted... "rough past" said simply in response to the eyebrows raised.

That girl wasn't crawling into bed with her Mom because she knew she would only have that chance for a matter of 48 more hours.

That girl didn't know what it would be like to only have a photograph left of the face that every day made up her world. She didn't know what it would be like to wander those rooms, stand by that bed, live and exist there, empty as it all was. She didn't know what it would be like to walk out for the last time last summer knowing it would never be the same.

She Never knew what it was like to be lonely. to be 870 miles away today and 1,398 miles tomorrow from the person who knows her best and always.

Yeah. It's February. and this is the month that Ball hangs just inches from my heart. sometimes farther, sometimes closer...tonight, a breath away.

I talked to __________ tonight and he asked me how i was doing. I told him it was February and He told me it was all in my head. that I was letting it get to me. "if you want to hurt, you'll hurt. If you want to let it go, You'll let it go. I've seen you do it before."

Is that what I'm doing? am I letting this get to me? Am I holding the ball above my own head? Could I really just let it go like that, or would I be releasing the wrecking ball to do it's work?

That's what is bugging me tonight and I didn't know it til I started writing. I knew this would help.
That 12 year old girl... she's still here. but that's why she created me. to protect her from that ball. when it started forming she knew the ending if something didn't change. I think it's actually her that is in danger. the threat is over her head. Not mine. I'm strong enough, it's just the past, it can't get me now. I've run too far, too long, and too hard. I'm out of it's reach. but she's still small, scared, tired, and inside of me somewhere. she's not knocking to get out... she screaming at me to keep it all away. to keep her alive.

What if I don't? Or can't. what if I'm not strong enough for both of us, and she's not going to make it?

 Don't worry, This probably won't make sense to me in the morning either...